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Some people are actually happy, and most other people have figured out how to be depressed without bitching too much. Those are your two options, or I swear I’m putting you in a retirement home, Grandma. Nobody cares your old as shit husband died.

Some people are actually happy, and most other people have figured out how to be depressed without bitching too much. Those are your two options, or I swear I’m putting you in a retirement home, Grandma. Nobody cares your old as shit husband died.

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It started out almost like a romantic comedy. Two strangers of opposite sex forced to live together in a tiny apartment because of circumstances outside our control. If it weren’t for the lack of food and the chainsaw in the middle of the room and the psychopathic kidnapper who locked us in there while he blasted his commands over an intercom, I think the two of us could have fallen in love.

It started out almost like a romantic comedy. Two strangers of opposite sex forced to live together in a tiny apartment because of circumstances outside our control. If it weren’t for the lack of food and the chainsaw in the middle of the room and the psychopathic kidnapper who locked us in there while he blasted his commands over an intercom, I think the two of us could have fallen in love.

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Every Friday is like a High School reunion of fat girls who got even fatter. Idiot pretty boys who are more successful than me, and I can’t even hold it against them because they’ve become pretty nice guys in the meantime. Now-adults who feel comforted living close to home. Who don’t hate their parents. And then those of us who used to dream big but don’t dream at all anymore. Who failed and moved back under the crippling weight of a failed marriage and unrealized potential. And Jesus, it’s probably too late to turn it around anyway. We all drink together without the restraints of High School cliques holding us apart.

Every Friday is like a High School reunion of fat girls who got even fatter. Idiot pretty boys who are more successful than me, and I can’t even hold it against them because they’ve become pretty nice guys in the meantime. Now-adults who feel comforted living close to home. Who don’t hate their parents. And then those of us who used to dream big but don’t dream at all anymore. Who failed and moved back under the crippling weight of a failed marriage and unrealized potential. And Jesus, it’s probably too late to turn it around anyway. We all drink together without the restraints of High School cliques holding us apart.

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I arrived late to my family reunion. I was drunk, and those country roads were like the most confusing catacombs. I was determined to show my mother the real me. I wanted to show her my failure — to stick it in her face for believing in me. I came out of the car already shouting, “You were wrong, mom! I made nothing out of myself!” I became my own echo or mantra, repeating “nothing!” in her face while my father and uncles tried to pull me away.

I arrived late to my family reunion. I was drunk, and those country roads were like the most confusing catacombs. I was determined to show my mother the real me. I wanted to show her my failure — to stick it in her face for believing in me. I came out of the car already shouting, “You were wrong, mom! I made nothing out of myself!” I became my own echo or mantra, repeating “nothing!” in her face while my father and uncles tried to pull me away.

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He stormed through the house, strewn with us kids in drunken semi-comas, and he shook and screamed us all awake. He forced us all outside into the wet summer morning grass, and he said, “Look at the sunrise. It’s fucking beautiful.” He lit a cigarette and stared over the fence that was the only impediment to the horizon. We were tired, and we were silent, and we were too afraid of getting in trouble to tell his parents about his ever-more-apparent cocaine problem.

He stormed through the house, strewn with us kids in drunken semi-comas, and he shook and screamed us all awake. He forced us all outside into the wet summer morning grass, and he said, “Look at the sunrise. It’s fucking beautiful.” He lit a cigarette and stared over the fence that was the only impediment to the horizon. We were tired, and we were silent, and we were too afraid of getting in trouble to tell his parents about his ever-more-apparent cocaine problem.

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I’ll forever be known as the man who took the entire world hostage just to get you to agree to go on one date with me. 300 nuclear warheads pointed at 300 cities with a single, desperate request. I bet you’d find it romantic if your husband would just stop bitching about it. Just say the word — I have 300 ways to make him silent.

I’ll forever be known as the man who took the entire world hostage just to get you to agree to go on one date with me. 300 nuclear warheads pointed at 300 cities with a single, desperate request. I bet you’d find it romantic if your husband would just stop bitching about it. Just say the word — I have 300 ways to make him silent.

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She sat next to me on the couch and pulled her knees to her chest. “Let’s play a game. The floor is lava,” she said, “and so is my vagina.” We jumped around from furniture to furniture, and she slowly announced things that were and weren’t lava anymore. The kitchen floor wasn’t but her hand was. The living room wasn’t but her lips were. The stairs up to our bedroom were still lava, but only for me. And definitely not for the guys from work she keeps dragging laughingly up the stairs.

She sat next to me on the couch and pulled her knees to her chest. “Let’s play a game. The floor is lava,” she said, “and so is my vagina.” We jumped around from furniture to furniture, and she slowly announced things that were and weren’t lava anymore. The kitchen floor wasn’t but her hand was. The living room wasn’t but her lips were. The stairs up to our bedroom were still lava, but only for me. And definitely not for the guys from work she keeps dragging laughingly up the stairs.

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I like to separate my life into compartments. One for my job. One for my love of drawing. One for you — my wife. For our kids. For my second family in Texas. My girlfriend who is still in college and very naive. What I am trying to say is I don’t consider it cheating because I don’t structure my life like you do. You wouldn’t say I’m TIME-cheating on you with my job, would you?

I like to separate my life into compartments. One for my job. One for my love of drawing. One for you — my wife. For our kids. For my second family in Texas. My girlfriend who is still in college and very naive. What I am trying to say is I don’t consider it cheating because I don’t structure my life like you do. You wouldn’t say I’m TIME-cheating on you with my job, would you?

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My father always said my mother was beautiful. It was the only thing he could bring himself to say because it was the only part of their relationship that was absolutely true. After the stroke, he couldn’t play piano anymore, and the years of debt that one ability supported came crashing down. That’s when she left us. It crushed his previously young spirit as a sign that he was suddenly too old for beautiful trophy wives and parties with actors and geniuses. He was left with nothing but a son he barely knew and a profound loneliness.

My father always said my mother was beautiful. It was the only thing he could bring himself to say because it was the only part of their relationship that was absolutely true. After the stroke, he couldn’t play piano anymore, and the years of debt that one ability supported came crashing down. That’s when she left us. It crushed his previously young spirit as a sign that he was suddenly too old for beautiful trophy wives and parties with actors and geniuses. He was left with nothing but a son he barely knew and a profound loneliness.

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You are going to watch me die today, but first, I am going to ruin your life. I am going to rip everything you love away from you, and die by my own hand while you feel the weight of that horror. I will die at my exact happiest moment while you have to live the rest of your life in a nightmare. This is going to be a good day.

You are going to watch me die today, but first, I am going to ruin your life. I am going to rip everything you love away from you, and die by my own hand while you feel the weight of that horror. I will die at my exact happiest moment while you have to live the rest of your life in a nightmare. This is going to be a good day.